Perception

Its very easy to make the judgement that someone is too skinny, too fat or this or that. Some people simply carry their weight better. Sometimes its the fact they are taller or shorter that impacts how it looks. I started my weight loss journey in August of 2009. Why then? Several factors influenced it including being done with having babies, being tired of feeling "fat" and simply Gods little nudge. I couldnt have done any of this without God! I was heavy and I really really didnt like myself. For many, many years, the kids and husband just came first. Never mind the fact I really liked to eat as well! It just was time to start and I was very blessed that my husband started this journey with me. It really helped having him working on losing weight and doing the same running program (Couch to 5k). I set an intial goal weight of 150 and reached that in August of 2010. I worked very very hard to get there. I gained and I lost and i relost again. It wasnt a painless year. I had set a 2nd goal of 140. Those last ten lbs became the stone around my neck. I, soon, found myself learning how to be okay right where I was. After all, I looked damn good! I still wanted to have those last ten gone ... partially as insurance room. I wanted to be on the lower end of my spectrum. I think the lowest I got was 147.9. It was far harder to lose the last ten, than it was to lose the first 33. I didnt have the fudge room, I did when I was heavier. I really had to be focused every day. Over the next 4 months, I fluctuated back and forth, up and down. Never quite settling anywhere. After Christmas, I began gaining on a regular basis. It was cold, very snowy and I just wasnt as motivated as I had the previous winter. It was far too easy to put off a run for another day. It was the days I chose a nap over a workout. Soon enough, I found myself up almost 10 lbs. Frankly, I worked too hard to be satisfied with that. I still look damn good ... but I know that Im not where I want to be. And I know how easily that 2, 4 or 10 easily becomes 15 or 20. I realize my problem is a small one -- I dont have a large amount to lose. It doesnt mean that its any easier to eat right and make good choices. I still have to fight those habits of copiously eating snack after snack. I still have to fight the wanting to answer stress with a cookie. Here is where the perception comes into play -- people can look and say oh you look good. And I do, but that doesnt mean that I dont have to battle the same demons that I battled in the beginning that put me up those 33 lbs. Its also knowing whats under those clothes and knowing that it isnt as pretty unpacked. I dont think Ill ever have a bikini body, nor am I sure I want to. I have had 10 children after all. The stretch marks alone probably wouldnt make that a pretty sight. And Ive never even, when I was younger, had a flat stomach. Is it realistic to expect that? Probably not. I appreciate Anounymous comment and reminder that its all in the perspective. Im thankful to be where I am. Although this is part of what this blog is about -- how do we maintain our habits, our eating and managing our lives and keep the weight off. I know, that I dont want to go back. As the last 3 months proved -- its easier said than done to put back on that weight. So Im still in search of the right balance for my life. Megamom